Helping Hands lets teen moms make the most of their chances
Over the past four months, teenagers Mary and Allyssa have become close friends.
And why wouldn't they? They share the experiences of difficult childhoods and the uncertain futures they faced as they got older.
They share now a home with more than 50 other teenagers and children at Helping Hands, the residential facility for those who have been removed from their homes. They also share the amazing reality of motherhood - Allyssa with blonde and bubbly Paylina, 2, and Mary with Aaron, who at 4 months old explores the world around him with classic wide-eyed wonder.
Perhaps most of all, Mary, 17, and Allyssa, 19, bring with them the same fierce determination to succeed, to do right for their kids. Allyssa passed the GED earlier this year and will begin her second semester at Aiken Technical College, studying human services. Mary will soon test for the GED, and she plans to attend ATC to major in nursing.
"I never thought I would have a child," said Mary. "I'm actually glad it happened. I have something to lose now and can't afford to get in trouble. My experiences have made me strong."
Allyssa lost custody of Paylina last February, but the child was returned to her in temporary status May 30 when she moved to Aiken to live at that time at Nurture Home. She is intent on proving that she should eventually get full custody of Paylina.
"It was hard at first when I got her back," Allyssa said. "I didn't want to be a mom. But I know now that God has send Paylina to me to straighten out my life, that she's my responsibility. She's my guardian angel. I wouldn't be in college. I'd be partying and doing what I wanted to do. I'm thankful to God."
Mary spend her early childhood in a family situation where there was little support and a lot of conflict. She later spent five years in the foster care system, living with eight different families and moving around on a regular basis. She would see her own relatives twice a month and, eventually, her mom's parental rights were terminated, although they still keep in contact. Aaron's birth led to some hard feelings from Mary's dad, who was upset about her interracial relationship.
Allyssa, too, had conflicts with her family throughout her childhood and into her teen years. She was 17 when Paylina was born and was upset when the baby was taken from her. Allyssa admits she was "doing a lot of things that teens do nowadays." She had no one to really talk to about it.
Nurture Home made a big difference, finding staff members she connected with. Alyssa also enrolled in Jobs for Life, a program sponsored through Christ Central Mission Church. Initially, the program was geared only toward adults, helping those with little or no experience in the job market learn life skills. Fortuitously, Christ Central volunteers decided to host a teen session last summer, and it was a huge success. Allyssa, who hadn't gotten past the eighth-grade in school, studied for the GED and passed on her first try.
"It was an awesome program," she said. "Passing the GED really shocked me. I didn't have confidence in myself to do it."
When Nurture Home closed because of funding issues, Allyssa moved to Helping Hands. The programs are similar, said Helping Hands director Carmen Landy. She used to refer teen moms to the other facility while taking in those in more emergent situations.
"Our job is to help them get their lives back in order," Landy said. 'We help them come up with life plans so they can take care of themselves and their babies. We combine that with the structure of our program. They have to function as adults within our environments."
Helping Hands serves infants to students in college. Mary is attending the Pinecrest Center and will take the GED exam in February. Her life within the facility is different, because most of the kids are younger and in the public schools. She has made an effort to get involved with the other kids, and it seems more like a big family atmosphere now.
What Allyssa missed most when she was younger was a sense of parenting. She found that at Nurture Home and again at Helpings Hands, where she has Landy and other staff members and knows how much they care about her. That's strange and humbling and wonderful, she said.
"You do get attached to the kids here, too," Allyssa said. "You see what they're going through, and it makes you feel that you're not the only one going through something hard and traumatic. I feel like a big sister."
She is enjoying college, appreciating the instructors who teach through their own experiences. In a way, Allyssa's previous life has given her a certain awareness. As she watches some students her own age, she marvels that they don't seem to concern themselves much about the future. They don't realize that mom and dad won't always be there to support them, that they need to learn to be independent.
Actually, it's a balancing act, said Landy. Allyssa and Mary do get the chance with two other young moms at Helping Hands to be teenagers, such as the supervised dance they attended in Columbia recently. But the staff also lets them make most of the key decisions in a way that encourages them to be parents to their children. For any child or teenager who comes to the facility, Landy said, the focus initially is on any emotions that come with them. But the staff keeps moving them forward, not spending a lot of time deliberating the past.
"It really is amazing," Landy said. "Allyssa and Mary really have shown us some things about ourselves and them. They are strong little girls, and it's special to know them. They inspire us to do what we do."
One former teen mom at Helping Hands now lives in Sumter, working and raising her child. That's the long-term plan for Allyssa and Mary. New regulations in recent years allow them to remain at the residential home while they're in school, and both young women plan to do just that.
"I'd rather be here than anywhere else," Allyssa said. "My daughter is walking and talking and her attitude is the mirror image to mine. She'll ask me, 'Mommy, how was your day?' I'm always surprised how smart she is."
The program at Helping Hands has changed her life completely, Mary said, and she, too, values the opportunity to have adults available to talk with. She already knows what it's like to be on her own. Now she wants that on her own productive terms. She will begin work at Sonic Drive In next week and wants to pursue a nursing degree so she can help others and provide for her son. Aaron has provided another unexpected and welcome benefit.
"He's the first grandchild in my family," Mary said. "He has brought them back together."
Contact Rob Novit at rnovit@aikenstandard.com.