“A little neglect may breed great mischief.” – Benjamin Franklin

“The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’” – Bible

In a conversation I had with several parents of special-needs children, I asked them about the pressures their marriage faced. It was almost unanimous that the greatest problem was their focus on the children and neglect of each other.

There are many other reasons why neglect enters into a marriage, as well as a variety of ways that neglect manifests itself. In summary, no matter the reason or the manifestation, neglect brings about great pain.

Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., respected family and marriage counselor, says that in his considerable experience, “when all forms of spousal neglect are grouped together, we find that it is far ahead of all the other reasons combined that women leave men.”

In addition he makes the statement that “surprisingly few women divorce because of physical abuse, infidelity, alcoholism, criminal behavior, fraud, or other serious grounds.” Maybe that gives us a clear indication of the damage neglect can cause.

Another well-known family and marriage counselor, Dr. Gary Chapman, also believes that neglect is what gets most couples into marital distress.

Perhaps one of the greatest dangers with neglect is that it is so insidious. One spouse may be totally ignorant that he or she is neglecting the other. And the one being neglected sees it occurring over such a long time that the love grows cold and the damage is done before the cause is removed or even recognized.

Reminds me of the proverbial frog in the pan of water that is slowly being heated up. Comfortable at first, until it’s too late to jump out.

The common simple definition of neglect is “to pay no attention or too little attention to.”

Solitary confinement in prison is an example of neglect in the extreme. A study conducted by the Mannheim Centre for Criminology, London School of Economics, and documented in “A Sourcebook on Solitary Confinement” concludes the following: “With the exception of the death penalty, solitary confinement is the most extreme sanction which may be legally imposed on prisoners.”

I am not equating marital neglect with solitary confinement, but the two have many of the same characteristics: being ignored, made to feel without value or meaning, hopelessness.

A couple may feel that their marital problem is due to an affair one of them had. However, the real reason for the problem may be what caused the affair; the guilty party felt ignored and unloved (neglected!) by the spouse, and looked elsewhere for companionship.

Maybe the problem with the marriage is that frequently used word “incompatibility.” In most states, a spouse may get a no-fault divorce based on a breakdown of the marriage, which is frequently referred to as incompatibility.

Research on the meaning of incompatibility reveals a myriad of definitions, many of which can be related back to neglect in some form or fashion.

As was mentioned earlier, neglect is devious and stealthy. So at least one spouse has to be alert to its presence and willing to point it out to the other spouse. And both have to be willing to listen and make the necessary changes.

Dr. Harley suggests a simple rule to help prevent neglect in the family: “Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.” Perhaps once in a while agreement cannot be reached, but a willingness to understand the other person’s position, even while disagreeing, goes a long way.

Put even more simply, communication is the key.

Perhaps you had experience earlier in your life when a teacher or a boss developed a dislike for you and ignored you. After a while, harsh criticism becomes more desirable then being disregarded and treated like you weren’t even there.

Life is all about relationships, with God and with each other. Don’t destroy the relationship through neglect. Nourish and cherish it through attention and communication.

The Family and Marriage Coalition of Aiken, Inc. (FAMCO) provides resources for you to succeed in your marriage and families. Roger Rollins, executive director, FAMCO, 803-640-4689, rogerrollins@aikenfamco.com, www.aikenfamco.com.