Recession brings families together, for good or worse

FORT WORTH, Texas -- Victoria Calvin was facing a recession-born dilemma: accept a downgrade into a "shabby" apartment or swallow her pride and move back home with Mom.

Nine months after getting married and losing her corporate job in the same week, the 28-year-old University of North Texas graduate student's self-esteem was stumbling as she and her husband, Bryan, weighed living with her feisty but ailing 60-year-old mother, Carolyn Reese.

"You go from a good income to college student broke and you feel like a failure," Victoria said.

Bryan Calvin, who is pursuing a doctorate in political science at UNT, was more pragmatic. Sharing his mother-in-law's tidy three-bedroom home in Little Elm east of Denton would help conserve their diminishing dollars.

Reese, who is recovering from a spinal inflammation that left her unable to walk for a long period, was equally positive - this was a move that could help them all get back on their feet.

Now, one month into their new life as a multigenerational household, the young couple who met on eHarmony and the working woman who was watching TV alone at night are sharing an address and a bond that only love and a lot of laughter can forge.

The recession is pulling many families closer as job losses and other financial setbacks have boomeranged kids back to their parents and forced parents to seek refuge with their children.

And it's not just relatives sharing kitchens and bathrooms - divorced mothers are scrutinizing potential roommates, single parents are looking to pair up and strangers who got connected over the Internet are living under the same roof.

One barometer of these new arrangements is Craigslist, the Internet classified site, which has seen postings for roommates soar by 160 percent over the last 24 months, a spokeswoman said.

The economy is forcing all kinds of people to remodel their home lives, says the Rev. Mike Stedham, associate pastor for counseling ministries at First Baptist Church Arlington.

"I do think families have found ways to be adaptive," Stedham said. "That's one of the ways to measure the health of a family. If they are rigid, they have a more difficult time in adjusting; flexible families do better when it comes to coping with change."

The Arlington, Texas church's Center for Counseling and Enrichment is encountering a new twist to shared homes.

"I can think of several situations where single adults of the opposite sex have teamed up for financial reasons," Stedham said. "At first, I was skeptical because that isn't what you think of when a man and woman move in together. But they are just trying to find ways to get by. That might not be preferable, but it is out of necessity. I've come across that at least three times. It's something I haven't seen in the past."

Whatever the combination, it can be challenging for all concerned, says Donna Butts, executive director of Generations United, a membership organization focused on developing multigenerational communities and housing.

"But I think the scariest scenario is having a stranger move in with you," Butts said. "People first look for a roommate through their circle of friends or family, and then they look for people with something in common."

Then they turn to complete strangers.

"It's like a return to the Old West boardinghouse mentality. You don't know what you are getting into," Butts said.

------

Kelly McGuire Lynch, the mother of a 3-year-old boy, found that out the hard way.

The 38-year-old Southlake, Texas, woman has been on a dizzying economic and domestic roller coaster since Citigroup laid her off in April 2007.

With a bachelor's degree in accounting and a master's in business administration, Lynch had a career in finance that was on the fast track when she left Massachusetts six years ago for "love."

In February 2008, she and her husband bought a $598,000 Southlake home. A month later, Lynch found out that her husband "had six years' worth of girlfriends."

She's now awaiting her final divorce decree.

After job hunting for nearly a year, Lynch says "at this point, my MBA could line someone's kitty litter box."

She recently started waitressing in a retirement community for $10 an hour.

"I just feel like I'm failing my son," Lynch said. "I'm getting a divorce in the worst economic time in my lifetime. All the money I had in the stock market is gone. I can't find a job in my field. I won't have a house. It's been like a Jerry Springer episode."

Next up in her all-too-real drama was the roommate episode.

A woman Lynch befriended a year ago was staying with her as she prepared to move from her 4,100-square-foot home into an apartment on July 1.

Last weekend, Lynch found out that her friend had recently been arrested for shoplifting and that she is being treated for bipolar disorder.

"I'm rethinking my roommate plan," Lynch said. Her comfortable "corporate wife" life has disintegrated, but she's not looking back.

"I'm thankful to have the waitress job. I really don't care about pride. I need to pay my bills and take care of my son," she said.

------

The recession might be dealing out its leanest hand to new college graduates, who are checking out of dorms and back into their childhood bedrooms in droves.

In 2008, 77 percent of new grads moved back home, up from 67 percent in 2006, according to a poll by Collegegrad.com.

And prospects look even dimmer for 2009 graduates, says Christina Newberry, co-author of "The Hands-on Guide to Surviving Adult Children Living at Home.''

Newberry, 31, of Vancouver, British Columbia, has been there. She moved back in with parents twice after she graduated from college

"It's a really hard thing to face, especially if you have been away at university or you have been away and you've had your job and you've had this independent life ... and all of a sudden you're back in the same bedroom you were in as a little kid," she said.

Camron Jackson slept there.

The 26-year-old from east Fort Worth spent nine years supporting himself and working his way toward a degree in business administration from UNT.

He graduated on May 16, and he's now "on the job hunt all day, every day."

He moved back in with his parents during his last year in school and shared a bedroom with his younger brother. "It was a big adjustment having to live under the rules of my parents. It was real humbling," he said. Now he's living with a cousin. "It's four guys in a three-bedroom. I've got the couch; I'm the odd-man out," he said.

"It gets to me from time to time," Jackson said. "I think about the hard work I put in, but at the same time I try to maintain my focus. This is short term for me and everyone who is going through this."

These new family plans aren't such a bad thing, says Butts, of Generations United.

"I think that we are going to see stronger families and stronger understanding that it's OK to depend on each other," she said

Sharon O'Connor and her daughter, Tammie Stevens, couldn't agree more.

After her second divorce and facing health problems, O'Connor, 64, moved from Louisiana to Nacogdoches, Texas, to be near Tammie; her husband, Doug Stevens; and their two young boys.

Living on a fixed income, O'Connor built a cottage on the land where the Stevenses have a small home. Three years ago they decided to get even closer.

"My health issues looked like it would be long term and the economy was taking a dive and we were talking and decided we should move in together," O'Connor said.

They came up with a novel solution - they bought a doublewide mobile home, and the two homes were turned into rentals.

"We did this three years ago before the recession, but if we hadn't done it before we would have done it now," Tammie Stevens said.

Becoming an integral part of her grandsons' lives has become the joy of O'Connor's life. But the new family dynamic has encountered some turbulence, primarily between mother and daughter. Both women say Doug Stevens' "laid-back manner" has kept him out of the fray.

"It wasn't as easy as I thought it was going to be," O'Connor acknowleges. "The wrinkles that we've come across - and there have been some - we find that we just sit down and find a way to fix it."

Tammie Stevens, who home schools her sons, said their merged family makes sense.

"Multigenerational family living is not a sign of failure, it's a sign of being adaptive," she said.

Back in Little Elm, Victoria Calvin, who is working on a master's degree in family studies, is living her work.

"One of my research topics is multigenerational households; this has given me real insight," she said. She lived with her grandmother for a while as a child, so this is her second round of "research."

Carolyn Reese has come full circle, too. She spent years caring for her ailing father.

"I'm so glad they moved in," Reese said. "Now that I think about it, I could see myself getting depressed. I would come home and look at the TV and then I would go to bed and then get up and go to work.

"Now that they are here, I've got laughter. They joke and carry on. ... I feel better."

That's the sort of familiar family banter that could use a comeback, Butts said.

"After World War II, we really touted that we were all independent, and the generations started to separate," she said. "But the economic downturn shows that we are all dependent and we need each other."