Possessions shouldn't come before a marriage

My young friend was in deep trouble, there was no doubt about that. The last serious conversation we had was when I insisted on extended counseling with him and his betrothed prior to their marriage.

Such consultations are not elective. If a couple does not have time to counsel with me, then I do not have time to perform their wedding. It's as simple as that.

In such meetings we discuss many things. We talk about the meaning of marriage, explore the vows, consider those things which make for a happy life in building a home.

In process I look for "pot holes" - that is, I try to discover possible danger points in relationships, priorities, communication and goals. For an experienced counselor, these are much easier to detect than one might imagine. We talk about these.

In retrospect I remember one of the possible danger points in their relationship dealt with material possessions. They came from reasonably affluent families and were more interested in discussing wedding than marriage.

The wedding had it all. Extensive decorations, the most expensive of dress, lavish rehearsal dinner and a reception replete with dance orchestra and open bar. It was "first class" from a social point of view.

Of course the family shared responsibility. Philip Wylie, in his book "Generation of Vipers" said, "The mother is the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral." This is not often true but sometimes is.

It has been my experience that matters related to possessions and money cause more marital disruptions than any other cause.

Young couples frequently feel they must begin with everything their parents have been accumulating for 40 years - the expensive residence replete with the finest furniture, two automobiles of latest model and prestigious names and all of the rest.

The young man needed a financial counselor rather than me. The wife's position had been terminated and she was expecting. They were in serious debt - credit cards to the limit and all that sort of thing.

Other than reference and sympathy, there was little I could do, but maybe there is some advice I can give other beginning couples.

First, remember people are more important than things. The emphasis should be on "my treasure," not "my treasurer."

Second, the old axiom is true: "If your expenses exceed your income, then your upkeep will be your downfall."

Third, there is more joy in listing priorities and saving to buy than in going into excessive debt. That way, if an emergency comes (as it certainly will at one time or another), you will be prepared to deal with it.

Fourth, when you use credit cards, you are spending real money and adding interest. Use such instruments as a convenience but never to overextend credit.

Finally, your loving and caring relationship is the thing that really matters. Material things should exist to serve not to rule. Excess leads to bickering and blaming each other and can prove disruptive of a loving and sharing relationship.

Those who need this counsel most will probably ignore it. A bad thing about learning by experience is it gives the examination first and the lesson afterward. The wise learn from the experience of others.

Dr. Fred Andrea is the pastor of Aiken's First Baptist Church.