In marriage, spouse covers your back

"Fidelity to commitment in the face of doubts and fears is a very spiritual thing." -- Real Live Preacher

"It is better to suffer wrong than to do it and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust." -- Samuel Johnson

An article recently appeared in The New York Times titled "A brief visit from my soldier son."

A father told of his son, Ian, and his son's girlfriend, Brandi, both in the Army and stationed in Afghanistan. They were on a whirlwind trip home to get married and then fly back to their separate locations.

Many of the soldiers' friends attended the wedding. Quoting the father, "They were respectful but surely curious at the spectacle. My son was a bit of a wild man in high school - not a person anyone would have predicted to be the first to marry. And in the college world his friends inhabit, especially the fraternity world, marriage is not exactly at the top of everyone's list.

"In the world of the enlisted men and women, however, a premium is placed on loyalty and steadfast support, and this translates into a high rate of marriage, even among young people who are only in their late teens and early 20s. Every day, from basic training to daily missions, where they depend on one another for survival and success, what really matters are loyalty and people who can be counted on. And so it was for Ian and Brandi."

Perhaps if we gave young people basic training similar to that provided in the military, marriages would be more successful. Many couples approach the challenges of a marriage relationship with a competitive mindset. Although it may not be a win-lose philosophy between husband and wife, expectations are established, and we want our own needs met.

Look at marriage as if you are entering into a battle. But the enemy is not our spouse or children.

The enemy comes against us from all directions. The enemy may be our perception that the other person's personality is incompatible with ours. We are not able to get along. Our conflict resolution styles are at opposite ends of the spectrum.

The enemy may be a job that requires too much of our time and energy. It may be the financial pressures of trying to keep up with our neighbors or just trying to get the bills paid.

The enemy may be the philosophy of a throw-away society. If something doesn't work or we get tired of it, we throw it away.

The enemy may be the idea that marriage is just another contract. It has its clauses and stipulations and timelines. If requirements are not met, the contract can be broken.

You get the message. There are many barriers to be overcome on our way to a successful marriage. But it's worth it.

First of all, it's God's plan, and making your marriage a three-way covenant with both vertical and horizontal components rather than a horizontal contract is a big step in the right direction.

Last of all, the society with so many elements that oppose marriage continues to gather reams of evidence that demonstrate its benefits.

The Army basic training website has the following quote: "Remember the best soldier is the one that takes the time to prepare him/herself to do the best they can in every situation." Then it "suggests" the following study material: "General Orders (Learn these before you go), Rank Structure (Know this before you leave, it is something that you will use every day), Basic Training Packing List, Soldier's Handbook."

In a nutshell, take time to prepare, and that means know the rules.

The No. 1 rule is to know that you and your spouse are in this together, not as enemies but as co-workers. The two have become one.

You have someone you can trust through thick and thin. Someone who is covering your back. The joy of successful marriage relationships is something the world needs (and subconsciously longs) to see.

The Family and Marriage Coalition of Aiken, Inc. (FAMCO) provides resources for you to succeed in your marriage and families. Roger Rollins, Executive Director, FAMCO, 640-4689, rogerrollins@aikenfamco.com, www.aikenfamco.com.