Fight the battles so everyone wins in end 11/7/2009 11:42 PM By ROGER ROLLINS Columnist
"And if a house be divided against itself, that house cannot stand." - Bible
"Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love." - Martin Luther King Jr.
Joe is a take-charge leader at work. His boss thinks the world of him because he knows when Joe is asked to do something, the work will get done well and be on time. Joe has a number of people under him, and he manages them well.
Mary, on the other hand, doesn't want to be in charge of anything. She's afraid she might hurt someone's feelings, make them work too hard or in some other way offend them. When it comes to empathizing with someone who is having a difficult time, Mary is on top of it. Her boss often turns to her to help him understand what's bothering the employees.
We all fall into basically two categories in our interactions with others, and in most cases we are a combination. We are either people-oriented or we are task-oriented. Nothing necessarily right or wrong here; the problems occur when the application gets distorted.
This is also true in the way we resolve conflicts. And as we have noted before and will continue to highlight in this column, conflict resolution in the family is extremely important.
Contrary to the "happily ever after" myth, there will be times of difference and unhappiness. What gets us through these times successfully is the way we handle the conflict.
People who are more task-oriented tend to want to be in control, so they can get the task (conflict resolution) done quickly. Those who are more people-oriented have a different way of reacting. Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg, in their book "Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage," give us some helpful thoughts here.
Task-oriented people, the controllers, have a tendency to resolve conflicts either through domination or manipulation. In either case, the goal is to win. The focus is not on relationships as much as it is on removing the conflict quickly.
Sometimes domination may be appropriate if an emergency situation arises that doesn't allow time for input from others. But domination usually does not solve the conflict in the long run. It may relieve the immediate stress, but it probably doesn't get at the root cause of the conflict, which, in most cases, is different from the surface symptoms.
When little Johnny pesters his dad who is trying to read the newspaper, Dad's solution to the "conflict" may simply be to say "Stop it. I'll talk to you later." But this solution probably isn't satisfactory to Johnny, who may have a real and immediate need.
The manipulators are masters of sweet talk. They tend to be more relational, but their goal is still resolution of the conflict to their satisfaction. Marie whines to her husband that he doesn't love her anymore because he doesn't want to go to party and she does. She may win the short-term conflict, but the deeper issue remains.
Individuals who are more people-oriented also can go to unhealthy extremes in their conflict resolution styles. They may either give in or simply avoid dealing with the conflict.
Those who give in initially please the other person, but their own feelings of hurt may get stuffed, only to surface later in some unhealthy fashion. In addition, they may simply be supporting and enabling bad behavior that needs to be addressed and resolved.
Speaking of staying out of battle, the avoiders don't even attempt to give in (or up). They simply stay out of the battle altogether. This does not resolve anything and sends the message that you don't care enough - about the other person or yourself - to take any action. The secret is not in staying out of battle but knowing which ones to fight and how.
Domination, manipulation, giving in and avoidance do not solve problems. When you are in conflict, work to resolution. A caring relationship is what it's all about.
The Family and Marriage Coalition of Aiken Inc. (FAMCO) provides resources for you to succeed in your marriage and families. Contact Roger Rollins, executive director of FAMCO, at 640-4689, rogerrollins@aikenfamco.com or www.aikenfamco.com.
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