An all-purpose South Carolina T-shirt

The envelope from my Graniteville High School classmate, Owen Clary of Aiken, contained a white T-shirt he had designed, with a map of our state on the front and the words, "South Carolina: We don't make these things up."

Owen thus condemned me to one more column on this cantankerous but lovable little state that a native son from another century referred to as "too small to be a country; too large to be an insane asylum."

Turns out, Owen intended the message to be an all-purpose response to whatever puts this state in the spotlight - whether the spotlight be flattering or unflattering.

Owen suggested a highly appropriate use for the T-shirt: as the top portion of the costume of a well-proportioned beauty, of which South Carolina boasts more than its share. The T-shirt could serve as validation of the authenticity of her assets: "South Carolina: We don't make these things up."

South Carolina has long endured the slings and arrows of Yankee detractors who are still angry because our forefathers fired on Fort Sumter, giving Lincoln an excuse to launch the Civil War and end slavery.

Some of those arrows have come from within our compact borders. One of the archers was Robert Quillen, a Kansas immigrant who launched pithy paragraphs to a nationwide audience from his editor's desk in Fountain Inn. In the first half of this century, Quillen wrote: "There are in South Carolina many people who have no superiors in uprightness, virtue, chivalry and integrity. They are a minority. The majority is dirt - psalm-singing, Jesus-shouting, liquor-guzzling, thieving trash without the slightest conception of honor ... inherently filthy in mind, soul and body."

It's a measure of this state's tolerance of dissenting outsiders that Quillen lived a long life among lintheads in an Upstate mill town, and died in bed.

Somewhat later, South Carolina accepted with aplomb the news that Strom Thurmond, staunch defender of segregation during the civil-rights era, had integrated the bedroom in his callow youth and had fathered a bright daughter by a family domestic.

More recently, U.S. Rep. Joe Wilson became a hero to many Sandlappers when he called Barack Obama a liar during the president's health care address to a joint section of Congress.

Then there was Gov. Mark Sanford, who told everybody he was taking a hike down the Appalachian Trail when actually he was romping down the Pampas Trail with his Argentine sweetie. Sanford sought reconciliation with his wife, but she told him, in effect, to take a hike. South Carolina: We don't make these things up.

Had Sanford elected to resign or had the legislature elected to oust him, the new governor would have been Andre Bauer, the current lieutenant governor and erstwhile candidate for the Republican nomination for governor. Since 1997, Bauer has had two traffic accidents, four tickets and one license suspension for failure to pay a fine. He was issued a warning for driving more than 100 mph down I-77. While troopers were chasing him, they received a call over their police radio alerting them that the car was SC-2, code for the lieutenant governor. It was Bauer's voice on the radio, thoughtfully advising them of whom they were chasing. His explanation: As lieutenant governor, he is so busy that he has to speed to keep up his schedule.

He could have taken a plane, of course, but he tried that and crashed his aircraft shortly after taking off from a too-short runway.

Oh, I almost forgot. It was Bauer who uttered this bit of wisdom on the question of providing food for the poor:

"You're facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don't think too much further than that."

So Alvin Greene could expect no help or sympathy from Bauer, even if Greene were a Republican. The Democrats nominated Greene, an unemployed African-American, to run against incumbent Sen. Jim Demint. Greene waged his campaign without a cell phone or computer. He has no home of his own but lives with his father. He even turned to a public defender to represent him in an obscenity case. South Carolina: We don't make these things up.

Palmetto Republicans nominated Tim Scott, an African-American, over Strom Thurmond's son Paul for the House of Representatives. Thurmond called Scott a "career politician," because Scott had been in public service for 15 years, in contrast with Thurmond's father Strom, whose public-service career spanned the 73 years between 1930 and 2003, except for his military service during World War II.

And now the state may be on the verge of electing Nikki Haley, a Southern-fried Sarah Palin, to the governorship. I say Southern-fried, although she is an American of Asian Indian ancestry. But she talks Tea-Party Southern.

She came through a spicy campaign for the Republican nomination. Two cads - one a member of Bauer's campaign staff - claimed to have had one-night stands with her, and a state senator, referring to her Indian ancestry, said over the radio, "We already got one raghead in the White House; we don't need another in the governor's mansion." South Carolina: We don't make these things up.

South Carolinians are anything but unchivalrous. They gave the lady a smashing victory against her male opponents, including Bauer. Whether her accusers were lying or engaging in kiss-and-tell, the folks in this state didn't appreciate what they were doing.

To end this column on a high note, the entire state swelled with pride when their University of South Carolina Gamecocks won the College World Series of baseball after vanquishing the Clemson Tigers, their in-state rivals, and the formidable UCLA Bruins.

It isn't every year that the Gamecocks bring home a national championship, but by Ned they did it this year. So y'all just shut up about our guys losing the Civil War.

South Carolina: We don't make these things up.

Readers may write Gene Owens at 315 Lakeforest Circle, Anderson, SC 29625 or e-mail him at WadesDixieco@AOL.com.

Gene Owens is a retired newspaper editor and columnist who was graduated from Graniteville High School and now lives in Anderson.